


Now What?

by Olivia_Mockingbird



Category: Girls (TV)
Genre: Babies, Established Relationship, F/M, Heartbreak, Miscarriage, New York City, OTP Feels, Postpartum Depression, Pregnancy Scares, References to Addiction, Relationship Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-06-01 17:38:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6529633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olivia_Mockingbird/pseuds/Olivia_Mockingbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The honeymoon phase has ended for Jessa and Adam. They are now faced with the reality that Adam's sister, Caroline, is missing and there is a baby to care for. Several issues arise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The baby spit up on her.

There was actual vomit running down her back. And Adam was too busy holding the damn baby to help.

The look on his face when he chose to continue to hold the baby instead of taking a minute to help her get cleaned up told her everything she needed to know. Well, made her finally face the issue that had been going on all day.

She was supposed to help Adam with the baby. Her ineptitude repulsed him. It was unfair. She never said she liked babies. She had never even held one before today, how was she supposed to know that they can't drink milk?

But it wasn't just that, was it? He hadn't wanted to talk about anything other than the baby or Caroline all day. And she had been freaking out over the heat, Hannah, and vomit.

She wanted to be a therapist. If this was any indication, she would be really shitty at it.

She turned around walked to the bathroom herself. There was nothing wrong with not wanting vomit on you. She took off her shirt and tossed it in the sink. She turned the water on to wash it out and grabbed a grungy washcloth to clean her back with.

She had the feeling Adam wouldn't appreciate her being topless around his niece. So she rung her shirt out and put it back on. The wet fabric actually felt nice.

She looked in the mirror. He was right, she was an adult. But she was also a mess. She was in school, studying her passion only to find out that in practice she was terrible at it. He had even agreed to pay for her schooling. She needed to get it together. She had decided not to be a shitty person anymore. She fucked that up when she fucked Adam; but that didn't mean should stop trying to be a good person.

She walked back into the kitchen. Adam was swinging Sample around. He looked so at ease; he was a natural with kids.

When he heard her footsteps, he turned to face her. He barely managed to hide his glare.

"I can take her if you want. You can finish pouring the formula and then take a break for yourself."

"No, apparently you can't take her. You have no idea what it means to be a responsible adult. You're selfish."

She didn't say anything to that. She wasn't going to get pissed at him. He was right. She sat down at the table and began filling the bottles with formula.

"I'm sorry," she choked out.

"What?"

"I'm sorry. About Caroline. Based on her note, she has postpartum depression." He didn't say anything in response, so she added, "And I'm sorry about Sample."

He just nodded.

Neither Laird nor Caroline showed up that night. So she and Adam spent a tense night together at their apartment.

The next morning she tried to be helpful and feed Sample while Adam got dressed. Unfortunately, it was not going well. Mushed plums were everywhere. Including her vomit stained shirt. She decided to just leave it. 

When Adam came back she made to get up. She was getting nowhere with feeding Sample and she had to go to class.

"What are you doing?"

"I was going to get a towel to clean up Sample, she has plum all over her-"

"You can't give her plums! Jesus Christ Jessa!"

"It was one of the baby food items you told me to get-"

"Yeah, but not for breakfast."

"I'm sorry, I was just trying to help."

"Well I think it would be better if you didn't do anything at all."

Now she was upset. She had wanted to patch things up, prove he could count on her. But she fucked that up and if she didn't leave soon she'd be late for class. So she grabbed her bag off the floor and headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to go to class."

"You can't skip class just once to help with the baby?"

"No. I've screwed up taking care of the baby, I'd rather not screw up my education as well."

"You're seriously going to leave?"

"Yes. If you wanted someone who liked babies, you should've asked Hannah. She loves babies."

"You're really bringing up Hannah, now?"

"Forget it. I have to go."

She left before he had time to respond.

It was 3pm when she was done with classes. She checked her phone. No missed calls. No messages. 

She stood outside the building for a minute or so. She had a mental debate over whether to go home or to go to Adam and the baby.

Their relationship was on thin ice. They had already had the issue of Hannah and now they were completely failing at playing house. 

She could go home, effectively ending the relationship, and figure out some other way to pay for school. 

Or she could go see Adam. If he wasn't completely engrossed with Sample she could try having an adult conversation. If all his attention was on Sample she could offer to help. Under strict supervision, of course. She had already proven herself completely incompetent. If he shut her down at least she wouldn't have just given up on the most important person to her. On a relationship she had wanted forever. On someone she genuinely thought she might spend her life with.

She headed over to see Adam. Phone in hand on the off chance he would call.

The door was locked. That was unfortunate. Maybe he has already decided it was over. She wouldn't have blamed him. She knocked anyways. She had already come over, might as well see it through.

Thankfully he opened the door. He was holding Sample on his hip.

"What do you want?"

"I…uh…I…I wanted to apologize."

"For?"

"For everything." She decided to take the opportunity to invite herself inside.

He looked like he wanted to object to her coming in, but he didn't stop her.

She didn't know where to start. She put her bag and phone down on the table and began to pace.

"Well?"

"Right." She faced him as he sat down on the bed, Sample in his lap. "I'm sorry for being a shitty girlfriend. For being a shitty person in general. I want you to know that I'm here for you. I mean it. If you need to talk about Caroline, I'm listening. I want to help with the baby. I'll need you to teach me, but I want to help-"

He made a move to interrupt her. She didn't let him.

"I'm serious. I love you. I don't want to screw us up. I want to be with you and I want to help you take care of Sample. I'll even help you raise her if you end up being her guardian."

Then Laird cleared his throat.

She was mortified. She offered to raise someone else's child in front of the parent. She hadn't seen him when she came in. 

Why hadn't Adam told her that Laird was back?

Then she realized that not only did she offer to raise someone else's child in front of the parent, but that she declared her love for Adam for the first time after he had already decided to end things. In front of the parent of the child she offered to raise with the person who was breaking up with her.

She had to leave. She was going to cry and she didn't want to do it in front of Laird and Adam. Adam already thought that she was immature and self absorbed and crying wouldn't help her case.

She wheeled around and practically ran out the door, barely remembering to grab her bag and shouting, "Forget I said that," over her shoulder.

She jumped down the stairs two at a time. She was just going to never talk to Adam, Laird, or Caroline again. She was also never going to be able to talk to Hannah again and, by extension, Marnie. 

Actually, she couldn't talk to Desi, Elijah, Fran, or Ray ever again either. Desi because he was married to Marnie. Elijah and Fran because of Hannah. She could never talk to Ray again because he lived with Adam. 

Fuck, she was an adult, yet she was still in school with no way to pay for it, a former addict, a divorcee, and her only friend was her cousin who was living in Japan. Fucking fuck.

She exited onto the street. She couldn't go home. Once she got home she could only focus on the failure that was her life. She had no friends to go to. She was alone. She had finally successfully pushed everyone in her life out of it.

She couldn't remember the last time she wanted to use so badly. Tears began to sting her eyes. 

She made it half a block in the opposite direction of her apartment before she sat down on the curb, cradled her head in her arms and sobbed.

She needed to get it together. So she had no friends, she deserved that, she could live with it. So she was an addict, she had been clean for over a year, she could keep going to AA and stay clean. So she couldn't afford to pay for school, she could give up on being a therapist, if the last few days taught her anything, she apparently wasn't cut out for it. So she lost Adam, she deserved that, she would have to live with it.

No. She was an adult and if she was going to grow up she had to get up off the curb, go home, and figure out if there was anyway for her to get financial aid. So what if she failed at being there for people the last few days? She was learning. She already ruined her relationship with Adam. Making a fool out of herself trying to win him back would be the opposite of moving on. So she had to give up on that dream, but she refused to give up on another.

She finally picked herself up off the dirty sidewalk and began her walk home.

She kept her eyes down as she walked past the apartment building Laird and Caroline lived in. She was mortified and heartbroken enough.

She dug through her purse to find her keys only to realize that while she had them, she was no longer in possession of her phone. Fucking fantastic.

If she had the money she would just buy a new phone that she had already been in desperate need of. Her flip phone from 2008 was not cutting it.

Instead she was going to have to walk back to Laird's, ask for her phone back, and hope Adam was back in his own apartment.

She briefly considered going back right then, but decided that barging in once was good enough for today. She also didn't have the energy, emotionally or physically, to deal with it.

Instead she stripped off her jeans and underwear and walked into her shower. She didn't bother with her shirt, it still had baby vomit and mashed plums on it.

Once she was positive her shirt was clean she tore it off and scrubbed her body raw. It was a ridiculous attempt to wash the day's events away.

Once her skin was pink due to a combination of scalding hot water and excessive use of a loofah she stepped out. She hung her shirt on the shower door. 

She redressed and sat down on her couch. She began studying on the off chance she could continue school and as a distraction. She was so engrossed in her studies that when someone knocked on her door that, instead of doing the smart thing and putting down her book and checking to see who it was through the peephole, she brought her book to the door with her and opened the door wide open without even bothering to look up. 

When she did, she dropped her book.

Adam filled up her entire door frame. He seemed bigger somehow, taller. He leaned down a bit and procured her phone.

"You left this on the table."

She snatched it out of his hand and mumbled "thanks" as she turned around, beginning to close the door. 

He easily held the door open, "Wait."

She let out a sigh and turned back towards him, still keeping her head down.

He reached and tilted her head up so that she was look him in the eyes.

She tried to pull away, she couldn't look at him right now and not have to fight the urge to cry. 

He held her fast. "You said you would be here for me if wanted to talk about Caroline."

She relented and let him into her apartment. Caroline's postpartum depression took precedence over her wounded pride and broken heart. She promised to be there for him. She would keep her promise. They sat down on the couch.

"Get me up to speed with the situation."

"Laird found Caroline camped out on the Brooklyn bridge."

"That's great that he found her, is she ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. We had her committed to an inpatient psychiatric ward to help with her postpartum depression."

"That's good. Postpartum can be very serious. I'm glad she's getting help."

"Yeah, well it means that it's Laird alone with Sample…He's a good person, but I'm planning on staying and helping until everything is sorted out."

"Good call."

"Yeah, so I was hoping to take you up on your offer to help take care of Sample."

"Why? I'm terrible."

"Well that's why we'd be taking care of her together."

"You want me to help you take care of her?"

"I want you to get to know who I'm hoping will eventually be your niece."

"Seriously, you're not having me on?"

"Jessa, I love you. I want to be with you."

She almost wept with happiness and relief. He loved her. She had never truly meant those words when she said them before Adam. Hearing him say it back elated her.

She leaned forward and kissed him slowly. He responded to her eagerly and wrapped his arms around her.

When they broke for air she asked, "Should we go over to take care of Sample?"

"I trust Laird with her for one night. Besides, we've both been stressed out, taking care of a baby won't help that, but I can think of a few things that will," his voice deepened into growl.

She let out an involuntary moan at the thought.

She straddled him and they resumed their kiss. She could feel him getting hard as she grinded against him.

Finally he grabbed her ass, picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist. He slammed her against the bed and began removing her clothes. She eagerly followed suit.

He sheathed himself inside her in one thrust. Once he hit her cervix he stilled on top of her. He gazed down on her affectionately, stroking her face and hair. He caught her eyes and said "I love you," before sliding out and pushing back in. 

She wrapped her legs around him to hold him in place. She used her hands to cradle his face while she looked him in the eye and said, "I love you too."

At that point they picked up the pace. She was nearing her orgasm when she realized that he wasn't wearing a condom and she hadn't put her diaphragm in. She was about to remind him when he used his finger to furiously rub her clit.

Just before she clenched down as her orgasm crashed through her she managed to gasp "No birth control."

It was too late. The moment she spasmed around him he was sent over the edge. He pulled out and covered her stomach with cum, but not before releasing inside of her first.

They scrambled up and did their best to clean off. 

Then they just stared at each other.

Plan B. That was her first thought. She needed to get to a pharmacy and purchase Plan B.

His first response was to kiss her and ask her if she was ok.

She nodded. "Yeah, we just need to get a pharmacy quick"

"Why?"

"Plan B. Just in case"

"In case what?"

"In case one of your guys gets all the way to my cervix. That way I don't get pregnant."

"You don't want to get pregnant?" 

"No. Do you want me to?!"

"Well I mean I wouldn't be opposed to having kids."

"I don't want kids. At least not right now. Maybe never."

He pulled away from her. 

"But I do want to help with Sample."

He nodded and wrapped his arms around her again.

She extracted herself from his arms and went to pick up her clothes. He followed suit.

As they walked back from the pharmacy he stopped her. "Promise me that if this doesn't work, you'll at least tell me before you go get an abortion or anything."

"What? Yeah, of course I will. Why would you even need me to promise that?"

"Mimi-Rose. She got an abortion and didn't tell me until the day after she'd had it done."

"It was yours?"

"Yeah. I know it was just a clump of cells and that ultimately it was her choice, but I would've just liked to have at least talked about it and gone with her."

"I'm so sorry Adam. It makes sense that you're so hands on with your niece."

"What do you mean?"

"Well aside from you being a good brother and uncle, she's a surrogate for you."

"What?"

"You found out you lost your potential baby the same moment you found out that there was a potential baby in the first place. Before you had time to really process everything, you and Mimi-Rose broke up and Caroline had her baby. So you've accepted responsibility for Sample as if she were your own."

She turned to continue the trek to her apartment.

He stopped her again. "Is that a problem?"

"What? No, it's a good thing. You've grown up. I still need to work on that."

He grabbed her hand and they walked the rest of the way back in comfortable silence.

After she and Adam made up, things had been moving along fairly smoothly. They kept helping out with Sample, even after Caroline had been released and was doing well on her medication and keeping up with therapy. Adam liked being around his niece. Slowly, but surely, she was getting over her aversion to children.

She was doing surprisingly well in her classes. She was loving psychology, but she still felt guilt about Adam paying for her schooling. She knew that no matter what she said he’d cover it, but she felt as if she were using him. She promised herself the minute she could, she would pay him back. She would worry about figuring out how to get him to accept the money once she had it.

She and Adam had basically been splitting nights between her apartment and his and Ray’s apartment at this point in their relationship. Ray, although originally very loyal to Hannah, had warmed up to the idea of she and Adam being together. After Hannah pulled her bullshit stunt of breaking up with Fran, playing on Ray’s goodwill to get her from the middle of fucking nowhere, forcing a blowjob on him, causing him to crash his new truck, and then getting in the car with a complete stranger Ray had distanced himself from Hannah. She definitely could not blame him. She knew she had been immature with the baby at first, but Hannah’s behavior was beyond ridiculous. All in all, she and Ray had gotten much closer out of their mutual distain for her.

As much as she enjoyed spending time with Ray, living at Adam’s half the time and her place the other half was getting expensive and exhausting. They’d been dating nine months. That wasn’t too early to ask someone to move in, was it? They’d already told each other they loved each other and Sample was basically her niece as well. I mean they were basically living together anyways, they’d just keep their stuff in one place from now on. It was an ‘adult’ thing to do. Besides, Adam moved in with Hannah before they’d been together for a year. He and Mimi-Rose were basically living together after just 7 weeks.

She was going to ask him. First though, she wanted to clear it with Ray, after all, if Adam agreed, Ray would be left without a roommate and she didn’t want to leave him in the lurch. 

She didn’t want to ask Ray with Adam around in case he felt pressured, but by the time Ray was home, Adam was as well. She could’ve called or texted him she supposed, but this felt like a face to face conversation. So instead of heading to Adam’s after class to take a much needed nap she headed to Ray’s coffee place.

“Oh hello Jessa. What brings you here?”

“Oh you know, I just really wanted to purchase some coffee that I couldn’t afford even if it wasn’t overpriced.”

“I’ll get you a small black coffee.”

“Oh really, don’t bother, I actually came here because I wanted to talk to you.”

“What did you do Jessa?”

“What do you mean ‘what did I do?’”

“I mean that you’re here. If it was something simple you would've just called or texted. If it was something you didn’t care Adam knew about you would wait until I got back from work. So, what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything! I just want to ask you kinda serious question and I don’t want you to feel pressured to answer one way or another.”

“Uh huh. Shoot.”

“I wanted to ask Adam to move in with me. I think we’ve gotten to that stage in our relationship. Plus we’re already basically living together, just in two apartments at the same time, which is kind of expensive. I wanted to make sure you were ok with it before I asked Adam though.”

“Why wouldn’t I be ok with it?”

“Well you’d be losing a roommate, which would mean rent would cost you more. And you and Adam have become good friends, I understand if you don’t want him to move out-“

“Look, Jessa, it’s fine with me. I think you knew that. You’re stalling.”

“What are you talking about? No I’m not!”

“His last two relationships moved quickly. You’re afraid that if you move too quickly your relationship will end like the others. You’re also afraid that because he knows his past two relationships moved quickly he’s going to want to slow this relationship down, especially because you guys started so heated, and shut you down when you ask him to move in.”

“Damn you.”

“Jessa, just ask him. You have my blessing and you guys clearly love each other so it’ll work out.”

“Thanks Ray, you wise grumpy old man.”

“Hey, you owe me, I don’t give out free advice.”

“I’ll see you later Ray,” she called over her shoulder as she walked out the door.

She should’ve known that Hannah would still be hanging around. Hannah was not one to respect boundaries. So naturally, she would be a near constant fixture by Ray. Plus Marnie was still stringing him along in a slightly oblivious way, so they were still connected through her. Still, she was genuinely surprised to walk straight into Hannah.

“God! Watch where you’re going!” Hannah shrieked. She was always shrieking and nothing was ever her fault.

“I'm so sorry,” she couldn’t help but let her sarcastic tone slide out.

“Oh. Jessa. I should’ve expected this. You already trampled all over the boundaries set by female friendships, you might as well literally trample over me.”

Boundaries. She definitely could’ve handled the situation with Adam better, but Hannah was overreacting, as usual. “It’s physically impossible for someone to trample over you,” she drawled before turning away and walking to Adam’s.

She could hear Hannah’s indignant scoff from behind her. She ignored whatever colorful Hannah words shouted at her afterwards. 

She was thinking. 

Dating Adam definitely hurt Hannah, she knew it would, that’s why she tried to avoid it. But it wasn’t like she stole him. Hannah had already turned him down, and she was dating Fran. She supposed she did break the ‘girl code’ by dating him because Adam was Hannah’s ex, and a serious one at that. She also really should've told Hannah how she felt about him. But Hannah would've just blown up at her and would've been just as mad as she was when she found out they were dating behind her back. Still what was she supposed to do? Not be with the person she loved? That wouldn’t be fair.

Fuck it. Hannah is an obnoxious cunt and even more immature than she is. She shouldn’t force herself to go over this again. Hannah was the one who really lacked boundaries anyways. And she had more important things to deal with.

She was going to ask Adam to live with her tonight. If he said yes, hopefully he would, they’d have to figure out when and how he’d move in. Should she tell him about running into Hannah today though? She told him everything and it would've felt like she was keeping a secret if she didn’t say anything. But they also hadn’t really discussed Hannah since their big fight when they first started watching Sample. She wasn’t sure how he’d react.

Did Ray know that she’d run into Hannah? He probably did. Hannah went inside after all, Ray would've seen her and since she’d just left he could've assumed they at least saw each other. More likely Hannah would've burst in and started bitching about her to anyone and everyone. Ray knew. Maybe he’d save her and bring Hannah up before she had the chance to decide what to do.

Then again there wasn’t anything to tell. What would she say? Hey, I ran into Hannah, your ex, she’s still a fat bitch. No, there was no point in bringing it up. It didn't affect them at all. 

She put Hannah out of her mind, kicked off her shoes, curled up on Adam’s bed and finally took a nap.

She was woken later in the evening by Adam pouncing on the bed and shaking her awake. She couldn’t help but smile up at him.


	2. Chapter 2

To her relief, he'd agreed to move in. They had the usual squabbles about how to combine their things. She had to strongly argue that no, he should not hang his bike on her wall. He had conceded, but not before darkly reminding her that, in fact, it was their wall now, not hers. Overall the whole moving in together process had gone along quite smoothly.

However, given their volatile tempers and the questionable start to their relationship, she should've known that something would get fucked up. And of course, Hannah would be involved.

Ray had told her he was ok with Adam moving out. He did not tell her he would still need to find a roommate. She found out that he had put up a flyer, a honest to god flyer in 2016, in the form of Hannah hammering on their door.

"What the fuck Jessa?!"

"Umm…hello to you too."

"First you fuck and steal my boyfriend, who happens to be the love of my life, and now you move in with him?"

She understood where Hannah was coming from, but she still bristled at being accused of stealing Adam from her. She was still having a hard enough time trying to move past the guilt she already felt. Guilt she felt over something that she hadn't even done. "I didn't steal Adam from you," she spat.

"Yes, you did! You know how I feel about him!"

"How you feel about him? Hannah, when he asked to get back together with you well over a year ago, you turned him down. You were dating Fran. I didn't do anything wrong."

"If you didn't do anything wrong, why didn't you say anything?"

She honestly couldn't believe they were having this fight now. Plenty of time had passed for Hannah to get over her issues. "Because I knew you would respond like this!"

"Of course I'm responding like this. What you did was really shitty."

"What I did? Hannah, you didn't want him anymore, did you just expect him to wait for you in case you changed your mind? He moved on. It's time you should too."

"Yeah, but did he have to move on with you?" Hannah asked in a small voice with tears in her eyes. She couldn't tell if they were genuine or if she was trying to guilt trip her.

"We fell in love, ok! Were we just supposed to not do anything about it?"

"Yes! Because that's what friends do, they don't screw each other over!" Hannah was actually crying now.

"Oh you are so full of shit. You know if our positions were switched you would've plowed ahead and done whatever you wanted."

"You are such a cunt."

"Tell me something I don't know." She slammed the door in Hannah's face.

Adam came around the corner. "What was that about?"

"Hannah," she provided as an explanation. 

"Oh," he nodded.

"Can you believe her? She's completely mental?"

"Honestly, I don't really care. She's not a part of our lives anymore."

She dropped to the couch. "This is your fault."

"Excuse me?"

"If you hadn't pursued me…if I hadn't given in…you made me break my principles. I don't steal people's boyfriends. You went and screwed that up."

"Are you fucking kidding me Jessa?"

"I can't forgive you for that."

Adam didn't say anything in response. He just grabbed the lamp and smashed it on the ground.

Their apartment was a mess. As she looked around, she realized everything that could be broken was in pieces on the ground.

She stared at Adam. They were both breathing hard.

"What were we even fighting about?"

"Well you told me it was my fault Hannah hated you and that you couldn't forgive me for that, and well…" he trailed off. 

They continued to stare at each other until she dropped down onto the tattered remain of their couch. She looked up at Adam. "I'm sorry."

"What? You're sorry. You just went from being irrationally angry at me to being 'sorry' in the space of maybe an hour. You're fucking insane, you know that?"

She sat there silently. She didn't have the energy to fight anymore. She wasn't even mad at him. She missed her friend. As much as she and Hannah fought, as much as they sometimes hated each other, she missed her friend.

Whenever they fought, it would've blown over by then. But this time it hadn't. She knew she and Adam had done nothing wrong. But Hannah barging in like that brought all those doubts to the surface again. It made her realize that part of her had been holding onto the idea that she and Hannah would be friends again. And based on how today went, the wasn't in the cards.

This time she couldn't stop the tears from falling. Adam just stared down at her. "I miss her" she choked out.

Then he sat down. He pulled her into his lap and held her. She eventually stopped crying but made no moves to get up.

They sat there in the smashed remains of their apartment. As it got increasingly dark out they still remained on the couch in silence, arms still wrapped around one another.


	3. Chapter 3

Most of their belongings were broken; their fight had been messy. Because they needed new, well basically new everything she was heading out to buy some stuff to refurnish their apartment.

She opened the door and promptly sent a basket flying against the wall.

She leaned down to pick it up. It was a fruit basket. Further examination brought the letter attached to her attention. 

She sat down, leaning against the hallway, and opened the letter.

It was from Hannah:

> Dear Jessa,

> I'm sorry for calling you a cunt. Over the past months I've been trying to come to terms with the idea of you and Adam being together. Although I may have lost it a little when I found out you were living together. But I've grown, I've evolved.
> 
> Logically I know you didn't steal Adam from me, even though it hurts emotionally. As much as I want to hate you for it, I have no real rational reason to be angry. You should not feel guilty.

> I still kind of hate you. I think it's because you're so pretty and that you and Adam make sense together. But that's my problem. I don't know if we'll ever be friends again, but I truly wish you and Adam the best of luck.

> Sincerely, 

> Hannah Horvath

She let her head bang against the wall and let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. 

She and Hannah were officially no longer friends. She still missed her, of course, but she knew that she had to accept Hannah was no longer a part of her life. Although, she finally got the confirmation she truly needed in order to completely let go of the guilt she felt. She could finally continue forward with Adam without that shadow of doubt in the back of her mind.

She picked herself up off the ground and grabbed the fruit basket. She headed back into their apartment. Shopping could wait.

Adam was still asleep so she took an apple from the basket and threw it at him to wake him up. He groaned and stumbled out of bed, apple in hand. 

_“Why?"_ he grumbled.

"We have fruit for breakfast," she said, with a smile on her face. She chose a banana for herself. 

"Awesome?"

"It's actually great."

"You're gonna need to give me some more context."

"We were given a fruit basket. From Hannah."

"You've got to be fucking kidding."

"It's a good thing. She wished us the best."

"Really?" He asked skeptically.

"You were right, she's no longer a part of our lives. She said we're not friends-" she was cut off by Adam wrapping her in a bear hug. 

"But it's ok," she continued, "now it's just you and me."

He looked down at her, cupping her face in his hands. He caught her gaze before kissing her.


	4. Chapter 4

She stared at the little pink lines. She closed her eyes and willed them to merge into one. She opened her eyes. No such luck.

This could not be happening. She could not be pregnant.

They'd been using protection. Yet here she was, sitting on the floor of her bathroom with a positive pregnancy test in her hand. 

The test had to have been wrong. She took the second one out of the box.

Two agonizing minutes later she was faced with two more pink lines.

She honestly couldn't deal with this right now. She was in shock. She knew she'd need to tell Adam, but right now she just wanted to smoke a carton of cigarettes and forget the results.

She shoved the tests back in the box and hid under the garbage already in the trashcan. She walked out of the bathroom to get her purse, cigarettes, and lighter. 

She had the flame flickering in front of her and the cigarette pursed between her lips. Then she remembered that, among the many things a woman has to sacrifice for a child, she couldn't smoke. _Fucking excellent. Why the hell do people have children?_

She honestly didn't know what to do. She had three options. Abortion, adoption, or becoming a parent. At the moment abortion was the most appealing.

But she had promised Adam that she'd talk with him before she doing something like that. What if he wanted her to keep it? Could she make that sacrifice? If she couldn't, would he leave?

Although abortion was the most appealing, she wasn't sure if it was because she was scared or if she really did not want to be a mother. 

She should tell Adam as soon as he got home and they could figure it out from there.

But she didn't. Instead, they ordered Chinese, talked about inconsequential things and had protected sex.

She watched him as he slept, anxiety and guilt washing over her. She had to tell him. First thing in the morning she would tell him.

“Jessa, what the _fuck_ is this?” Adam hissed.

Jessa groaned, it was too early for whatever she had done to piss Adam off. Besides, she hadn’t done anything obnoxious recently as far as she knew.

“Jessa, look at me! Why the fuck are there two positive pregnancy tests in the trash?”

Shit. She really had meant to tell him when she woke up. Evidently, he no longer needed to be clued in.

“Well, why the fuck were you digging through the fucking garbage?” she didn’t know how to even begin to explain herself, so she deflected.

“That’s not important. What’s important is that you’re _pregnant_ and that you _hid_ it from me. Why would you do that? Jesus Christ, _Jessa,_ you don’t just live in your own little world. You need to include me in your goddamn life.”

She stood up, “I do include you in my life. Those tests aren’t even a day old. I was _going_ to tell you, I just wasn’t sure how-“

“Oh really, is that why you hid them? Were you really going to tell me or were you just going to get a fucking abortion and tell me afterwards?” he was livid.

“Look, I was going to tell you. I don’t know why I hid them, I just panicked. But you _know_ that I would talk to you before getting an abortion.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he huffed out.

She couldn’t help but wonder if their relationship would always be so volatile. They both had nasty tempers and they could get destructive. The new furnishings in their apartment attested to that. Plus they were both recovering addicts. Should they even consider keeping it? It would cost a lot of money and she still wanted to complete school. They had already proven they didn’t work well with a child in the mix.

“Jessa…Jessa… _Jessa!_ ”

“What?” she had gotten lost in her thoughts.

“I asked you what you wanted to do,” he spoke in a measured even tone.

She sighed and looked at him, “Honestly, I have no fucking idea.”

"That's fair."

“What do you want?”

“You know I like kids.”

“Yeah, well I like heroin, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to have it. You ‘like’ kids. That’s so fucking vague.”

“Fine, I’d like to have a family. I’d like to have one with you. I never anticipated it would happen this early, but there’s never a good time for shit like this.”

“You do realize you just referred to having a kid as ‘shit like this,’ right?” she asked incredulously, ignoring the more weighted part of the statement. She didn’t want to face the reality that they may not be, may never be, on the same page when it came to the future of their relationship.

“Jessa…”

“I don’t know. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not very maternal.”

“But what do you want?”

“What do you mean? What do I want eat for dinner? What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to do about the _fetus_ in my _uterus?_ ”

“Where do you want this relationship to go? Where do you see us five, 10, 20 years from now?”

She stared at him and let out a shaky breath.

“I love you Adam. I do. I really do. I want to be with you as long as you’ll have me.”

“But do you want us to just continue on like we are now or do you want to get married, have kids, move to the suburbs?”

“Do you want that?”

“If I’m being honest, yes. I do.”

“With me?”

“Yes, of course, with you.”

“What if I don’t want that?”

They stood in silence.

Neither of them wanted to say the wrong thing. That they were to different. That there was a good chance they wouldn’t work out in the long run.

Instead they dealt with it they way they handled most issues. They had sex. This time they didn’t use a condom.


	5. Chapter 5

They laid there next to each other, careful to not make eye contact. Trying to make the moment last because they didn’t know what they would be once it was over.

“Now what?” she decided to just rip the band-aid off.

“Huh?”

“What do we do now? We _clearly_ are not on the same page. Do we breakup _now?_ Stick it out until we run this relationship _completely_ into the ground? Compromise and die _resenting_ each other?”

“I’m gonna go with none of the above.”

“Adam, I’m _serious._ This is going to be a problem. We can’t just keep putting it off. You know that as well as I do.”

“Jessa, I love you. I want kids, but I don’t have some burning desire for them, I don’t _need_ them. If you don’t want that domesticated life, I can live with it.”

“You shouldn’t _have_ to. You deserve to be with someone who does want those things. I don’t want to hold you back or prevent you from having the life you want.”

“But what I want is you.”

“Right now it is. But what about when you find someone who does want those things. Wouldn’t you resent me for keeping you from it?"

“Look at me. I love you. _You._ You as you are. I don’t want someone who does want those things because that person wouldn’t be you. Kids are nice, but I don’t believe that our lives are purposeless without them.”

“I love you too.”

She watched him get up from the bed. She still marveled at how toned he was. He bent down to put his pants back on. When he came back up he was still stark naked. But he was holding his hand out, palm up. 

It was ring. Small, vintage, delicate, with a diamond. An engagement ring.

“I…uh…I was trying come up with a good way to ask. Every plan seemed so forced and I know you hate that. So I guess I’m doing it now. Fuck,” he ran his hand over his face, “this is a shit proposal. I’m sorry.”

She was’t sure if she was going to cry or laugh, but after a day of uncertainties, she was glad she finally had a answer, “Give me that, you moron. Of course I’ll marry you.”

He jammed her finger trying to put on it her. She didn’t care.

“Where did you even get this? It’s gorgeous.”

“It was my mom’s.”

“I’ll keep it,” she blurted out.

“What?”

“I’ll keep it.”

“Jessa, no you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to. I want that life with you.”

Jessa got used to having panic attacks and second guessing her decision to go through with the pregnancy. But Adam’s excitement was infectious and he was taking care of all the parenting crap like making the apartment safe for a child. 

After three months went by she was perfectly happy to sit on the couch and eat salt & vinegar potato chips.

“So…aren’t you supposed to be freaking out and planning a wedding.”

“I’m pregnant and I’m going to get very fat. I will not be getting married until after I've given birth.”

“Touché,” he laughed. She hoped their kid laughed like him. They had decided to not find out the gender.

“I was thinking about calling Hannah,” she blurted out.

“What?” Adam sounded rightfully incredulous.

“I was going to call Hannah…Let her know what’s going on with us.”

“Why? She’s not a part of our lives. And, personally speaking. our lives have improved without her in them.”

“I know all of that.”

“So why do you want to call her?”

“She was an important person in both of our lives. I know that if she were getting married or having a kid I’d still want to hear it from her. Also I want her to know that we’re a much better couple than you two were because I’m petty.”

“Just don’t let Hannah near the baby, she might as you say, ‘try to french it.’”

“Don’t worry, you’re going to be taking care of it 24/7.”

“Well you’re going to have to breastfeed, so not 24/7.”

“I will be doing no such thing.”

“Oh really, should we just give it a glass of whole milk?” he teased.

“Sample did _fine_ on formula, our kid will too.”

“Sample was _also_ fed by Caroline for the first 6 months of her life.”

“We’ll settle this later. I’m gonna call Hannah before I get cold feet.”

Hannah picked up the second time she called.

“Hey?” 

“Hannah, hi. It’s Jessa.”

“I know it’s Jessa; I have caller ID.”

‘Right.”

“You’re calling to tell me that you and Adam are engaged and that there is going to be a child born out of wedlock?”

“Ray told you.”

“Ray told me. But, hey, congratulations. I’m very happy for you, _honestly._ You and Adam are good together and any child of yours is going to be gorgeous.”

Jessa laughed, “Thank you.”

“I know you’re not supposed to have coffee and Adam would probably lose his shit if he even heard me suggest this, but do you want to meet up and get some slightly caffeinated tea someday soon?”

“That would be perfect. This Wednesday at 11?”

“This Wednesday at 11 at Ray’s coffee shop.”

“I’ll see you there.”

“Bye, Jessa.”

“Bye, _Hannah._ ”

She couldn’t help but smile to herself.

She got up to go pee. This kid had been causing her to get up every 5 minutes.

She walked past Adam who was insisting that a ‘true carpenter’ does not need any guidelines on how to build a crib.

“ _Jessa…_ ” Adam said slowly.

She turned around, smile still on her face.

“You’re bleeding…” he whispered.

She looked down and saw _red._ _Lots_ of red. 

There was blood everywhere.


	6. Chapter 6

She had never seen Adam move so fast. His gangly limbs moved surprisingly gracefully as he stood, picked her up bridal style, and attempted to carry her out of the apartment.

She had to remind him that he couldn’t run to the hospital with her in his arms and convinced him to call an ambulance.

She was surprisingly calm given her situation. Adam, however, was becoming increasingly anxious and was pacing back and forth.

By the time they got to the hospital Adam had lost all semblance control.

She was in pain and they just told her that she was going to need surgery which couldn't be good. She should feel more upset. She should be worried about the baby. But all she wanted was the pain to go away.

The last thought she had before going under was of Adam.

She woke up to a room too bright and too loud. She was incredibly nauseous. Sitting up to hurl was painful but she noticed that, while bandaged, her stomach was about the same size. She hadn't lost the baby. The wave of relief that she expected to feel never quite hit. 

She decided it was because she was still trying to process the whole situation.

Adam was asleep in the chair next to her, no one else was in the room.

She shook him awake.

"Hey," she croaked, "wake up, I'm _dying_ for some water."

He blinked repeatedly and straightened out a crick in his neck. "I'll see if I can get a nurse." He weakly returned her smile.

Something seemed off.

He came back with a pitcher of water and a nurse who looked way too happy about being in a hospital. 

The nurse flitted around the room checking her IV and asking her medical questions that she didn't know the answer to having just woken up.

When the nurse finally left she turned to Adam and said, "She didn't even ask any questions about my pregnancy. That was the issue I fucking came in for. My god, _I_ would make a better nurse than her."

She expected him to laugh. He didn't. He just looked at her somberly.

"It was a _joke._ I was _kidding,_ I would be a terrible nurse…" he still said nothing. "Ok…what is going on, you're acting weird."

"Jessa, look, Jesus Christ, Jessa. I'm so sorry."

She looked down at her stomach again. Of course. Why she had expected that her body would automatically snap back into shape was beyond her. She had miscarried.

She didn't feel as sad as she thought she should. She felt terrible for Adam. She realized that she hadn't really wanted to be a mom, she had wanted to see Adam be dad. He would've be an amazing dad.

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight.

"The doctors want to keep you here for a little while and make sure everything is ok."

"I suppose I can hang out in a hospital bed for a few days."

"I called Hannah while you were under…”

" _You_ talked to Hannah?"

"Yeah, yeah. I did. I figured you might want her to see her or something.”

She felt tears prick behind her eyes, "Thank you.”

Hannah showed up about 15 minutes later. Adam nodded at her and excused himself to go out and smoke for a bit.

She sat up straighter in bed as Hannah bent down to wrap her arms around her.

She moved to the side so Hannah could lay down next to her.

"You still look beautiful."

She let out a dry laugh. The laugh then morphed into tears and the next thing she knew was sobbing in Hannah's arms. Hannah began crying with her.

"I am so _so_ sorry Jessa.”

"I'm not even sure why I'm crying.”

"You just lost your baby, that's a pretty good reason to cry.”

"I don't think I wanted it…Adam wanted it and I wanted Adam and I want him to be a dad because that's just what he's meant to be."

"Jessa…"

"Maybe I did want it and this is my defense mechanism for dealing with losing it. I don't fucking know.”

"Hey, hey. It's ok. You don't need to know. You need time. You'll figure it out."

"I really missed you. I am so sorry about everything that happened between us."

"I am too, but that's water under the bridge now. Does Shosh know what happened to the baby? Does Marnie even _know_ you were pregnant?"

"Actually I don't know if Adam told Shoshanna what happened. And I think Marnie knew I was pregnant. She and Ray _are_ living together"

"True. But it's also _Marnie_.”

"You have a point there."

"Do you want to see them? It's been a while since we've all been together."

“Sure, why not, I could use a fucking distraction."

Jessa saw Adam heading back towards the room. Hannah immediately got up to call everyone else.

Adam sat back down in the chair and stared into space, bouncing one of his legs.

“Adam…Adam…Adam!"

He turned to look at her.

"Are you ok?"

He stopped bouncing his leg.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine."

"I don't believe you."

He gave her a sad smile and leaned over to kiss her on the forehead.

Then a doctor came in that she didn't recognize, but Adam seemed familiar with.

"We got the results back from some of our tests."

" _And?_ " Adam interrupted impatiently. 

"There's no easy way to really say this. You can't have children. Your eggs appear to be fine, but your uterus can't carry a child to term. There are other ways to have children though and I can refer you to a fertility specialist…"

She stopped listening. She was infertile and she realized the difference between not wanting something and being told you can't have it.

She now knew that she had been going through with the pregnancy for Adam and she had been indifferent about the whole thing. But she had been excited to see a tiny version of Adam and to see him light up the same way he did when he say Sample. She had wanted Adam to be a father and to have a child that looked just like him, but was clearly also hers. She didn't want to be a mom, but she did want to have a family with him. 

And now she couldn't.


	7. Chapter 7

Her hospital room was over stuffed. Shosh, Marnie, Hannah, Ray, and Adam couldn’t all fit in there at once. According to the nurse it was a “safety hazard” for the patient. So Adam, visibly uncomfortable with all of the people crowding around Jessa, left.

All of the girls were sitting on her bed while Ray sat in the chair in the corner.

Shoshanna had been incredibly supportive during the pregnancy and almost as obsessive as Adam. Naturally, she had done her research and began her lecture on the various fertility treatments and how the nurse was a total bitch.

“Shosh,” Marnie hissed, “I don’t think Jessa needs to deal with this right now. She _just_ had a miscarriage.” 

“Oh right, right,” Shoshanna was slightly flustered and began shoving all the forms into her purse.

“Shoshanna, it’s fine. Marnie is right, I don’t want to think about babies at all right now. But its ok.”

“Right, well, I also have a bunch of information about how to heal emotionally after a miscarriage and things you should and shouldn’t do while you're recovering —” 

Jessa bent forward to grab Shosh’s hands. It still hurt move, “Shoshanna, I’m gonna _need_ you to _relax_. I’m good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’ve had pregnancy scares before, I can handle this just fine.”

Ray cleared his throat and they all turned to look at him, “Pregnancy scare?”

“Well yeah, the reason I moved back here in the first place was because I was afraid I was pregnant.”

“Jessa, you are aware ‘pregnancy scares’ are a bad thing, yes.”

“Yeah, that’s why they’re called ‘scares.’”

“I thought this was something you and Adam wanted.”

Shit. Shit shit shit. She needed to work her way out of this. She didn’t need Adam to know that she was relieved, “Well, I mean, yeah. But I just mean that I’ve thought I’ve been pregnant before and turn out to not be.”

“Jessa, thinking you're pregnant and finding out your not is _completely_ different from knowing you’re pregnant and losing the baby,” Marnie sounded almost offended.

“Guys, she just had a miscarriage and found out she can’t have children. She needs to process this however she can,” Hannah thankfully interjected.

Marnie nodded, “You’re right, I’m sorry Jessa. Is there anything you need from us?”

“I really need to talk to Adam, we haven’t really discussed things yet.”

“Of course, we’ll be back later.”

They all filed out of the room. But Hanna stopped at the doorway, “It’s gonna be ok, and I’m going to be here whenever you need me. I’ll go tell Adam to get his ass in here.”

“Thanks,” she smiled even though she was about to have probably the most difficult conversation of her life.


	8. Chapter 8

Adam slunk back into the room, scraping the chair across the floor next to her bed. He sat down, overly long arms hanging off the armrests.

“So…”

“Have you gotten any sleep?” He looked beyond exhausted.

“I slept for a bit in the chair.”

“I don’t think that really counts.”

“Hey, I was unconscious; that fucking counts.”

She let a burst of nervous laughter. She could handle this. Superficial conversation is easy. Unfortunately, you can’t maintain strictly superficial anything with the person you live with. 

“So, are we gonna talk about this?”

“Talk about what?”

She could just play dumb, make him explain everything out loud. Maybe he would resolve it himself that way.

“Talk about what? Hah. How about the fucking baby. Jesus Christ Jessa, this isn’t a joke.”

“I _know_ that. I am _well_ aware of what has happened. I can’t get out of bed because of it.”

“That’s not what I meant-“

“Then what did you mean? That I should be more broken up about the whole situation. Should I be crying for our dead fetus? Should I go straight to researching fertility treatments? Should you be trying to knock someone else up right now?”

“Jessa-“

“No, no. I need to make preparations for funeral right now.”

She didn’t even know why she was doing this. There was no purpose. She knew what he meant. But if they were fighting about this, they didn’t have to talk about the fundamental issues in their relationship. 

She moved to get up. She needed to fucking smoke. She hadn’t smoked in months.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

“For a smoke.”

“Get back in the _fucking_ bed Jessa.”

“No, I’m not hurting anyone by walking around. It’s not like I’m supporting another life inside of me.”

“Jessa, you’re going to tear open your stitches. The doctor said you needed to stay in bed, to rest. You need to heal.”

“I’m fine. I just haven’t been able to smoke in for-fucking-ever.”

“Jessa, just _sit_ down. I’ll get you a fucking wheelchair. Just, try not to move. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

She sat back down. He wasn’t engaging in her attempt to get in a fight. And he was right; moving around was painful.

He was almost out the door to grab a wheelchair, but she had to ask.

“Why are you being so _nice?”_

“What do you mean?”

“You’re not angry with me. _Why?”_

“Why the hell would I be _angry?”_

“I killed your baby.”

“ _Our_ baby. It was _our_ baby. And you most definitely did not kill it. This isn’t your fault.”

“But you wanted it _so_ badly. You want children. And I can’t give you that.”

“Right now, we shouldn’t focus on that. You need to get better. We need to move on from this before we should start considering other options.”

She should tell him. She needed to tell him. Now. He needed to know she didn’t want children.

She stayed silent.

“I’m gonna go get you wheelchair.”

She nodded.

They sat outside. Side by side. Each smoking until their cigarettes were down to the stubs.

She left the hospital the next day with orders to take it easy and come back for a check up in two weeks.

Walking into their apartment was disconcerting. There was still blood on the floor and an unfinished crib in the middle of the room.

She fought back tears. She was not going to cry over this. It wasn’t her loss. It was Adam’s. 

She shuffled past the crib and plopped down on the couch. 

Adam stalked into the apartment and stared down at the unfinished crib. She waited for him to start smashing it to pieces. 

He never did. Instead he walked over to the couch and sat down next to her, tipping his head against the back of it.

“What are we gonna do about the crib?” she wasn’t sure why he hadn’t smashed it, that’s how he usually dealt with things.

“I’ll finish building it and then I don’t know. Sell it? keep it for later?”

Save it for later. Save it for later. Save it for later. She wasn’t sure there would be later. Why couldn’t she tell him?

“Adam…”

“No, not now.”

“What?”

“Not now. I know what you’re going to say. You don’t need to say it. Not now.”

“What do you mean ‘not now,’ this is important.”

“Yeah. I agree.”

“But you don’t want to talk about it?”

“No, no I don’t”

“Why?”

“Because, it doesn’t matter.”

“So it’s important, but it doesn’t matter?”

“No, doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change anything”

“How does it not change anything? It changes everything? It changes the entire future you had planned out.”

“No. The entire future I had planned out was with you. The rest is in flux.”

“But the crib…”

“Yeah. You might change your mind later on. If you don’t, we know several people who might have kids. Hannah apparently loves babies.”

She almost laughed, “You’re sure?”

“Yes. Now, help me finish this crib.”

She got up off the couch to stand above the crib, “Ok. This will be how we let go.”

The crib still sat in the middle of their apartment. Finished. 

They began using it to hold all the extra crap they accumulated, things that they hadn’t figured out where to put, things that took to much effort to properly put away.

They didn’t talk about it. She wondered if it was anything like having a child. Something that comes into your life. Something you’re not quite sure what to do with, but can’t get rid of. Something that you accommodate your surroundings to include.

But a child you would have to talk about. A child would require you to accommodate your surroundings and your lifestyle to include it. She might resent a child.

She supposed it was for the best. Neither of them were ready to be parents. But sometimes she would see Adam staring at the crib. Not staring at all the crap in it, trying to figure out the best way to extract an item buried at the bottom, but at the crib as a whole. Staring at the crib, trying to reconcile what it should’ve held instead of what it currently was.

She was tired of watching him stare at it. She hated the way it made him look. It reminded her that she was the one who broke his heart. She was the one who crushed it into the ground.

He said he was ok, that it wasn’t her fault, that he didn’t blame her. And he meant it. Logically, he knew that was true. But she still blamed herself and she knew an irrational part of him blamed her too.

She needed to get rid of the crib.

She had taken time off from school because of the baby. Since there wasn’t going to be one she reenrolled for the following semester. She still had months to kill before then. Adam had insisted that she didn’t get a job. They didn’t need the money. So she was stuck at home while he went to work.

She had avoided her friends after leaving the hospital. She didn’t want to slip up and reveal how she truly felt about the miscarriage.

But she needed help emptying the crib and putting everything away. So she called Hannah. Hannah knew how she felt anyways. 

“Jessa, I was writing, what do you need?” was the first thing out of Hannah’s mouth when she showed up at her door.

“Hannah, I need to your help. I have to get this crib out of here.”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry. Yeah, I’ll help. Do you need me to help you move it down the stairs to the curb?

“Not exactly…”

“Did you turn your baby’s crib into a storage bin?”

“It wasn’t my baby. It was a fetus. More Adam’s than mine.”

“Right, well we gotta move all this crap out of it before it can go anywhere.”

“And that’s why I called, I don’t know where half this stuff should go.”

“What time does Adam get back?”

“Not till late tonight. Why?”

“This could take awhile.”

Jessa and Hannah stood in front of the empty crib. It was late afternoon by the time everything had been put away.

“What do you wanna do with it?”

“I’m not sure. Adam talked about selling it or saving it for later - as in when one of our friends has a kid.”

“You told him?”

“No, not really. I tried. He seemed to already know.”

“And he’s ok?”

“I don’t really know. We haven’t talked about anything since then. Which is why the crib has to go. It’s goddamn depressing.”

“So, where is it going?”

“No idea. I don’t want to sell it. I want to give it to someone that matters.”

“Well the only people who we know who are in a relationship are Marnie and Ray. And Marnie still has her IUD.”

“What about Laird and Caroline?”

“Doesn’t Caroline co-sleep with Sample? I can’t believe they’re actually calling their poor kid that. It’s child _abuse.”_

“Yeah, well they’re not exactly what you’d call normal. But they can use the crib to store crap like we did. I just need it out of this apartment. Besides, maybe it’ll make Caroline and Laird have another baby.”

“I’m not sure you understand how reproduction works.”

“No I _know_ giving them a crib won’t make them have another baby. But cribs remind people of babies and Caroline really wanted to have that water birth. If she gets pregnant she can try to give birth to a baby in a tub again.”

“That is an awful reason to try to have child. What if they don’t have the time or the money to support two kids, Jessa?”

“Well then we’ll take the new one.”

“You can’t just take someone else’s child.”

“Yes you can, you probably _shouldn’t,_ but you can. And in this case we should take it because Adam wants a kid, I can’t have one, and Laird and Caroline might not be able to take care of two.”

“That’s just terrible terrible logic.”

“Well Adam will have another niece or nephew to help raise at least.”

“You’re insane.”

“Does that mean I _can’t_ give it to them?”

“No. Let’s just get it down the stairs.”

“ _Wait,_ really?”

“It makes the most sense to give it them, so might as well. Besides, once we push it all the way over there I can just go up the stairs and die from exhaustion.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still so shocked that I actually have readers. Your comments make my day.


	9. Ending One

When she finally got back to her apartment, Adam was there. She put down her purse and sat down at the table; she raised her eyebrows.

"Well, are you just going to stand there looking at me?"

"Where the fuck is the crib?"

"Oh, I dropped it off at Caroline's. I figured she could use it."

"It wasn't yours to get rid of."

"What do you mean? We have no reason to use it and it's been sitting in my apartment for weeks. I was sick of looking at it."

" _Your_ apartment?"

"Yes my apartment; it's my name on the fucking lease."

"Even though _I_ pay for half the rent and we were engaged?"

"What do you mean 'were'?"

"I mean I can't fucking do this. I need to have kids eventually, but I'm not going to force you to do that. We fight half the time-"

"Are you _seriously_ breaking up with me?"

"Fuck Jessa, I don't know. This is so fucking screwed up."

"Well I'll make it easy, here's your fucking ring, I'll come back in a couple days and I want your shit out of here"

She slammed the ring down on the table and walked back out the door.

She didn't want to go to Hannah. They had repaired their friendship, but asking her to help get her ex back would be pushing it. She called Shosh.

As the phone rang she could feel the need to use forming in the pit of her stomach, the need to use or her heart might race out of her chest. 

Shosh picked up.

"Hello?"

She opened her mouth to respond, but no sound would come out. She exhaled loudly and shakily.

"Shosh-" her voice cracked and she realized she was near tears.

"You should come over, now"

She swallowed, "Yeah, yeah alright."

When Shosh opened the door she could tell that she already had multiple questions on the tip of her tongue. She slumped against the wall, her shoulders caved in. She clutched the door frame with her left hand.

"Oh!" 

"Yeah…"

She jumped out of the way and Jessa sauntered in. She paced the length of the living room; spun around hands thrown up, barked out a sharp laugh and dropped onto the couch.

Then she started laughing hysterically. 

"Umm, are you ok?"

Her laughter trailed off and she stared at the floor, "No. No I am not ok"

"Did you use at all"

"Unfortunately, _no_. I would feel a whole hell of a lot better if I had."

"Do you want to talk about it?

She looked up, "No, _not_ in the slightest."

"Okay well, just, you know let me know if you need anything- other than drugs obviously."

She snorted, "Of course."

It had been a year since she last saw Adam. After their fight she threw herself into her studies and managed to graduate while working enough to be able to pay the rest of her tuition on her own.

She was finally going through the training process and would be able to take the licensing test the following year. 

That's the only thing she let herself think about. 

She had gone back to her apartment a week after she had left and Adam was all moved out, he'd taken the ring as well.

She didn't know where he was staying and she never tried to find out. She never asked about him at all.

She exclusively went to women's AA meetings.

She had to work hard to stay sober the past months.

Her friendship with Hannah had considerably cooled since she broke up with Adam. She didn't know why, but she saw her less and less frequently until she realized she hadn't seen her in a month. She had considered reaching out, but she had grown tired of maintaining tumultuous relationships, so she just let it go.

Ray and Marnie had gotten engaged and she agreed to be the maid of honor. They'd grown much closer in the past year - she spilled her guts to Marnie about the entire relationship since she has seen Hannah go through a similar thing when she had dated Adam. 

There wasn't a cloud in the sky on the day Marnie and Ray were going to get married and no one was stressing out and the groom hadn't made a run for it.

She knew Adam was a groomsman, but Ray thankfully picked Elijah as the best man so she wouldn't have to walk down the aisle with him, a reminder that she should've been the one in the white dress walking down aisle towards Adam.

Hannah had been invited as a guest, a combination of Hannah's behavior at her last wedding and Hannah distancing herself from Marnie as well resulted in her not being a bridesmaid.

She didn't look at Adam when came to take Shosh's arm. Couldn't bare to look him in the eyes.

She stood next to Marnie while they exchanged vows and she scanned the crowed for Hannah. She was sitting behind Marnie's insane mother. Hannah offered a small smile, which she returned.

At the reception she managed to trap Hannah at a table so they could catch up. She looked fuller in the face. When a waiter came around with champagne they both refused. She turned her nose up at food she usually would have swallowed hole.

"Oh my god! _You're_ pregnant!" she squealed excitedly.

" _What?_ No, no I'm not."

" _Hannah,_ I've been pregnant before; I know you're pregnant. Is that why you've been avoiding everyone?"

"Well, yeah…"

"Why? That's great news. Is the father in the picture?"

"Yeah…"

"Well I want to meet him! I'm _so_ excited for you!"

"Jessa…"

"What?"

"You already know him…" she trailed off uncertainly.

Jessa's eyes swept the room. She saw Adam off in the corner talking to Ray, who was watching his new wife dance with Shosh. 

"Oh."

"Jessa; I'm so so sorry. It just-"

"No. No. It's fine," she looked down at the ring on Hannah's finger that used to be hers. "We broke up. I dated him after you guys broke up. Trust me; it's _fine._ I'm _really_ happy for you." She got up to leave.

"Jessa, wait," Hannah got up after her.

"Please don't. I'm glad you’re happy, but I actually need to go - do bridesmaid stuff." 

Hannah let her walk away, but they both knew she was lying.

She grabbed her pack of cigarettes off of her chair, a packet of matches and marched outside. Once she reached the balcony she pulled a cigarette out, put it between her lips and went to work with the match book.

She hated the stupid cardboard type matches. They were flimsy and she couldn't get one to fucking light. She chucked the remains of the packet over the balcony and turned to go back inside.

Instead when she spun around, she was face to face with Adam. She quickly averted her gaze.

"Excuse me," she muttered.

He didn't move. He just procured a lighter out of his pants pocket and flicked it so that she could light her cigarette.

"Thanks."

He slipped the lighter back into his pocket and she turned back around, grateful to be able to finally take a drag.

She could feel him staring at her. She tried to ignore it and just wait for him to go back inside.

He stayed. She finally got sick of feeling like prey being stalked by a predator and swung around.

"Can I help you with anything?"

"You didn't say hi."

She sighed, " _Hi,_ now can you please go?"

He ignored her and just nodded to himself, "How've you been?"

"Good," she rocked back on her feet, "I graduated. Thank you, for covering the cost. I'll be able to pay you back in a couple years." 

He waved his hand, "No, no, no. Don't worry about it. It's a gift."

"Okay… _thank you."_

He hummed noncommittally.

"Congrats. On getting engaged - and the baby."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he looks slightly uncomfortable, "due in 8 months."

"That's great, I'm happy for you."

"Are you?" He cocked his head to the side. 

"Yeah; why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, but you seem upset."

"I am upset, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy for you."

He bobbed his head up and down.

"You know, if things worked out differently, this would be your third kid" she said wryly. 

He laughed dryly, "Well, you're not wrong."

"I'm never wrong."

"Were _we_ wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"Were we wrong to break up?" 

She looked him in the eyes, "Yes…but that doesn't matter. Not anymore. I'm not doing this again."

"So, now what?"

"Now? _Now_ we shake hands, wish each other well, let go, and move on."

He nodded and stuck his hand out. She shook it and crushed the stub of her cigarette out with her high heel. She let go of his hand, stared up him and said, "Goodbye Adam."

He nodded and she moved past him, towards the reception hall.

"Jessa!"

She paused and looked over her should her at him, "Yeah?"

"Just one thing...do you still love me?"

She tilted her head, "Of course," and then walked inside, leaving Adam staring at her back as she walked away for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wrote 2 different endings to this story. One ending is the happy one that we all want and the other is inspired by the leaked filming photos and my personal issues.


	10. Ending Two

When she finally got back to her apartment, Adam was there. She put down her purse and sat down at the table; she raised her eyebrows.

"Well, are you just going to stand there looking at me?"

"Where the fuck is the crib?"

"Oh, I dropped it off at Caroline's. I figured she could use it."

"It wasn't yours to get rid of.”

"Fine; I'll _go_ back and get it," she scraped the chair along the floor as she got back up.

"No! that's not the fucking point."

"Then what is?! Because I am _tired_ of staring at that damn thing. Do you have any fucking idea how guilty _I_ feel? It's just there reminding me that I _can't_ give you what you want. That I should let you go."

"I told you, I don't care about that. At all."

"Then why are you so pissed off about the crib?"

"Because you should've fucking asked me. We can't keep doing everything on our own."

"I _didn't_ do it alone. Hannah helped me."

"You know what I mean. I fucking made the thing, you should've asked if I was ok with it before getting rid of it. I want to marry you. When you're married to someone you fucking operate on the same damn page."

"Ok! I get it. It won't happen again."

He nodded.

She just stared at him.

"What?"

"We fight, _a lot."_

"So? Couples fight all the fucking time."

"We fight more than most"

"What's your point? We're just more fucking honest than everyone else."

She nodded to herself. He wasn't wrong, they were both volatile, but it meant that issues didn't fester. Also, the make up sex was amazing.

"Jessa, you never answered me. Where were you going with that train of thought?"

"I'm studying psychology. I analyze everything. But on the subject of getting married; when is that going to happen?"

"Whenever you want it to."

She graduated a year later. Which meant she had to plan a wedding. They'd decided to get married after she finished school. 

Since this wedding wasn't a secret, they actually had people around to help plan it.

They ended up at the same place where Marnie got married. She grumbled about it and asked Ray when they were actually going to get married. He said it'll happen when it happens.

She chose to wear a long dress for this wedding and actually picked out bridesmaids dresses because she didn't trust Hannah to not show up in sweats.

Other than that it was laid back and easy. Probably because it didn't rain, Marnie's mother wasn't there, and Marnie's insane makeup artist was not hired.

She did have to assure Caroline that the makeup hadn't been tested on animals. She lied, she actually had no idea. 

Sample was the flower girl. She decided to just let Caroline and Laird dress her. She wasn't going to win that argument.

She made it down the aisle. She married Adam.

Instead of going on a honeymoon, they didn't have time for that at the moment, they went to city hall. 

She had the forms in her hand and signed her new legal name.

Jessa _Sackler._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have reached the end. Thank you so much for reading. Also thanks for putting up with my awful grammar, ridiculous delays in updates, inability to write romance, and general terrible story telling. You are all wonderful.

**Author's Note:**

> I've just started watching Girls and have only seen the fifth season, so I'm sorry if everyone seems out of character. Also, this is my first fanfiction, so I'm sorry if it sucks. I know a lot of people ship Adam and Hannah, but I personally cannot stand Hannah and I think Adam and Jessa are perfect together. So this happened. Sorry about the grammar.


End file.
